9:24 p.m.

I have a 3-day break this weekend, and with it comes a noticeable absence of commitments to gym meets, workshops, or hair appointments (but i can assure you i have one shaggy head that is in desperate need of the clippers). I don’t need to drive long distances, write challenging letters (although a few letters of rec are hanging over me this weekend), or meet deadlines of any kind.

in short, i am faced with the ultimately wonderful weekend of responsibility-less-ness….and i could not be happier for it.

why, you ask?

Magnificent question, Reader. You are simply brilliant.

I will tell you why. I’m one of those people who does a lot for others and little for myself. I don’t dress as nicely as I should, I have a weight problem, my hair is unkempt most of the time, and I eat very irregularly and in an unhealthy manner. but i have always justified it as simply I am not as important as the people I am helping, and so therefore I can justify this self-abuse because I am doing such good for others.

excrement.

That’s what I think of this way of living. It is ridiculous to believe that I can keep going at this pace and be good for anybody, especially my three young children. I am nothing to them if I am not healthy. Selflessness means nothing if you can’t take care of yourself first.

have you ever seen the matrix? So many wonderful lines in that movie that are life lessons. The one that’s been swimming in my head for some time now is when Morpheus tells Neo, “It’s one thing to know what you need to do; it’s another thing entirely to do what you know you need.” Or…..something very similar to that. When I heard that line, I realized that I have known for 8+ years now what I need to do. It’s the execution that’s the real bitch.

Our school is having a “Biggest Loser” contest, and weigh-in is next wednesday. Of course I am doing it. I love these types of challenges, and I know I will win. I thrive off of this stuff. The question is: will I be able to sustain the workouts after the 8 weeks are over?

time to fly. I’m ending this post at 9:37 p.m.; I’ll be back. I promise, as there is much to say in the coming days….