If I Ran The Holiday

By Rus VanWestervelt

Adapted from Dr. Seuss’ “If I Ran The Zoo”

 

It’s a pretty good day,
Said Billy Big Box Store.
And the reason it’s around,
Is loaded with good ‘lore.

But if I ran the holiday,
Said Billy Big Box Dee,
I’d make a few changes,
All for the better – You’ll see.

The cranberries and stuffings and that kind of stuff,
Are all nice and tasty, but that’s no longer enough.
You have family time online in chat rooms galore.
That’s plenty of WE time; now I’ve got something more!

See, I’d open each store and unlock every gate,
Let the flyers fly out and warn “Don’t Be Late!”
They’d announce their big sales many weeks in advance,
And invite the hungry customers to the Black Friday Dance.

Only this dance begins Thursday – no Wednesday at least!
With TVs and Dollies and the latest electronic beast!
You’ve got money? We’ve got THE sale!
Now forget all those families and go check your email!

We sent you hundreds of coupons and incentives since last month,
For tablets and cameras and other great stuff.
It’s everything you need for that great family time,
That you can spend together later when sales aren’t so prime.

You say you got everything? You are staying away?
What a mistake! What a crime! When all the others will be at play!
Shopping breeds happiness, surely you know,
What are you waiting for? The stores are all open – It’s time for you to go!

What you’ll find are the really good once-in-a-lifetime deals,
Things you can’t live without, things that are real steals.
Like five sizes of tablets for your every single need.
You’ll even find our ad embedded in each newsfeed!

Pop-up Ads! They will be here and they will be there.
Buy our devices and stay connected everywhere!
We’ll bring you our sales wherever you go,
Don’t you worry! Not one little bit! Wherever you are, we’ll always know!

And we’ve made it fun for the whole glamorous Fam.
Look! We’ve got buying lists for kiddies, for teens, and even for old Grams!
You don’t need to think, not now or ever again!
Trust us—we know! That Holiday At-Home Hullaboo is nothing but a has-been!

So what’s it going to be when you walk through our doors?
We’ve put little arrows on all of our floors!
We’ll tell you where to go, what to buy,
We’ll even give you some turkey and stuffing, and most certainly some pie!

It’s because we care, said Billy Box Dee,
And we know what you need.
Don’t hesitate or wait to download our app
We know what’s best for you, enough of this family crap!

We’ll see you at midnight- no! Make that at eight!
Tell all the workers this is gonna be great!
We’ll give them the breaks that they believe they should get,
Just as long as the shelves and the aisles remain set.

When the doors finally open we’ll all be together,
As we push and we shove and we trample each other.
The guards at the gate will have no control,
While owners will smile in their warm estate homes—“That stuffing, right there! Pass me that bowl!”

Think of all the bonding, the family time spent in our stores,
As we work and we shop side-by-side—this is like never before!
We will rush to find bargains and be first on the floor.
Give me that! Give me that! We will fight in Aisle three—A true tug of war!

Yes, if I ran the holiday, the traditions would be strong,
For families to bond while shopping—I see nothing wrong.
It’s time to cherish the true meaning of Thanksgiving this year,
And drop the turkey legs, the green beans, and even the seasonal beer.

So join us, one and all!
What? You’re not already here? Why the delay? Why the stall?
If you wait till Black Friday all the good deals will be gone!
And you’ll be that Big Loser in a month on Christmas morn!

Don’t be that loser! Don’t be behind!
It’s Thanksgiving after all; Think of your retailers and try to be kind!
We’re here for YOU! It’s True! We’ve got all that you need!
Don’t listen to those naysayers who say its all about greed!

Text all your friends and we’ll see you today,
This is the new Holiday tradition, and I tell you—It’s here to stay!